A Few Words with Satan: The Lighter Side

by admin on June 24, 2008

dr. judd-jpeg-2.jpg

A couple of months ago I was searching the internet, just trying to entertain myself when I came across a limerick the title of which really threw me. The name of the verse was An Interview with God. That just jumped right out at me and smacked me in the face. And I thought, “WOW! How clever, an interview with God. I wish I would have thought of that.” Then I thought, what the heck, why not interview Him.

So I got down on my knees and I said, “Dear Lord, could I have a few words with You?”
And He said, “….…”
Then I said, “I only need a few moments of Your time.”
And He said, “…….”
Finally, I said, “Dear Lord, I know You are extremely busy and You have more important things and more important people to address, but I really would like to talk to You for a second.”
And He said, “……”
Then I recalled that when I was in college I read Children’s Letters to God. It was an amazing little book of real children’s prayers to God, compiled by Stuart Hample and Eric Marshall and illustrated by Tom Bloom. (I don’t know if you ever read it. If not, you should.) The book impacted on me, so much so, that I actually copied down some of the prayers in my journal to help me remember to stay childlike and curious, and to adopt an attitude of wonder. I have succeeded pretty much in remaining childlike. The inquisitive and attitude of wonder part…well, I don’t know if I ever managed to do all of that. Actually, I still have that journal, and I still remember some of those letters, like:
Dear God, I think about you sometimes even when I’m not praying. From, Elliott
Dear God, Does it hurt a tree if you chop it down? If so, I don’t think anyone should. –Maureen
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. I bet he stole your idea. Love, Donna
Actually, God’s answers were pretty good too. For instance, He said that Edison didn’t steal the idea of light. He gave him the idea and told him to copyright it so that Lucifer wouldn’t keep the world in darkness. I didn’t know that, and I thought that was pretty cool sharing a wonderful idea like that with one of His children. Consequently, I figure that if God would answer the letters of children and give all sorts of ideas and copyrights away, He would certainly answer a little note from me. Therefore, I wrote Him this beautiful letter on my best stationary with my fancy letterhead.
And He responded, “……”
Then it dawned on me. Maybe I could get some answers by asking Lucifer my questions. True he would probably lie a little, maybe a lot, but I was thinking that I could separate the pepper from the fly dodo as they say. So I flopped on my couch, popped open a beer and said, “Father of lies, the god of hate, Prince of Darkness, Evil incarnate, Beelzebub, Lucifer, evil one, can we talk?”
And he said, “What the hell do you want?” His voice was deep, like the sound of water roaring from a waterfall.
“Wooooooo, ah, I was just wondering your Prince of Darkness, Ruler of Hell, Father of wickedness and abhorrence could you answer a few questions for me.”
He said, “First of all, quit trying to butter me up with all of those flattering titles. I can see right through that crap.”
So, um….what would you like me to call you?
Call me Satan; Lucifer sounds like some candy ass.
“Well, I just have a few questions for you, but before we get started I would like to establish a little covenant with you. I want you to understand that I am not here to sell my soul or to make any deals with you. I would like you to give me your word on the Devil’s Malevolent Book of Sin, whatsoever in hell that may be, that whatever I say in the course of this interview should be not constituted or interpreted as giving you, permission to take possession of, harness the power of, or otherwise cause me to relinquish my soul. Is that okay? Can I get your word on that?
“Shut up and start asking me your questions. I don’t have all eternity. Besides, with your track record, I don’t need to trick you into the fires of hell. You are already on a fast track to Hades without any help.”
“Reaaally, you are kidding…right?
Hurry up, and get to your questions.
Okay, okay, first of all, you are the Devil, the cause of all the misery and pain in the world…the Great Deceiver whose sole purpose is to destroy humanity. I am talking to the right guy?”
You got the right guy, but you don’t have all the facts. I don’t spend my every waking moment trying to corrupt the human spirit or causing decay within the human soul. I have a life too you know.
What else do you do?
To be honest, is that an oxymoron, me – - the Devil being honest…just a little comic relief. See I have a sense of humor, too. With all the people going to Hell these days, I have to have something to alleviate some of my stress and since I love sports so much I figured that would be a good place to direct some of my energies. Besides, athletes are some of my favorite leaseholders.
Now that you brought the topic of sports up, are you responsible for all the cheating and corruption going on in sports today?
Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have done my best to elevate sports to a higher level, or lower level, depending how you look at it. I am sure you have heard the expression “If you are not cheating, you are not trying.” That is what sports is all about. Of course, you know that is my quote. The problem is that man designed these ludicrous pure sports like track and field or that rinky-dink sport you competed in, powerlifting, where there is no way for a decent athlete to try, well, I mean cheat. You either run fast or you don’t or you lift the weight or you don’t…right? So, I had to come up with a way to give the really dedicated and devoted athletes a chance to cheat. That is when I came up with the idea of using illegal and banned drugs to enhance performance. Initially, it worked out perfect. The steroids gave the committed athletes a tremendous advantage over the pantywaist drug free athletes and do-gooders who have this idea that sports is pitting one person’s natural ability against another person’s natural ability. I mean, come on, how un-American is that? Like I said, if you are not cheating you are not trying…every American knows that. By the way, remember last year when Notre Dame was trailing UCLA with 57 seconds to go with the ball on their own 17 yard line, and you started praying to God to help the Irish…you weren’t looking for an unfair advantage were you? See even you, a goody-too-shoes, will cheat if given a chance. Well, you can stop praying because God doesn’t even like sports, you can thank me for that little miracle the Irish experienced last year.
Actually, I was kind-of-sort-of praying that no one would get hurt during those last 57 seconds…Ah, can we just forget about that. Anywho, you said the steroids initially worked. What happened?
Well, they still work, especially in a sport like powerlifting, where there is no real drug testing going on. To be honest, in powerlifting steroids are a God-send…don’t take that literally. The suckers who are drug free don’t have a freaken chance against my drugged athletes. It is a joke for a drug free athlete to try and compete against my chemically engineered athletes. They can’t even come close, the big dummies. The problem lies in sports where they do random and heavy drug testing. As you well know, it is not cheating if you don’t get caught. Unfortunately, a number of athletes are now getting caught red-handed using steroids. The testing is becoming more sophisticated, which means that I have to continually stay one step ahead of these testing programs. That is why I had to turn to human growth hormone over the last decade or so. Growth hormone is a little more dangerous, but it works really well, and it is undetectable. Of course, the really dedicated athletes don’t care if it is dangerous as long as they get an advantage. The stuff could kill them, but they still love it. It is all about winning no matter what the cost…that is how great athletes think.
Now, I am just playing the devil’s advocate, but what is going to happen when they get a test that will detect HGH?
Is that a pun you are trying to make….devil’s advocate…come on? Anyway, I am way ahead of you. By the time they get a test for HGH validated, there will be gene splicing to deal with. That is already on the drawing board. I believe it will be one of my crowning achievements in sports… producing superman by genetically altering the physical make-up. Trust me there is always a way to cheat when you have dedicate men who will stop at nothing to gain an advantage over a sucker. Look, I don’t have time for all of this…I have to go.
But I haven’t asked you any of the questions I wanted to ask you, like why do we have all of this suffering, misery, and racial unrest in the world? Why does Paris Hilton make all that money without any talent, and why is Barry Bond’s head twice as big as Jay Leno’s? And why doesn’t Brittany Spears wear underwear?
Well, why don’t you dial up your buddy God and ask him?
I did but he never answered me.
What does that tell you?
That He is out shopping for underwear for Brittany?????????????

Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: